froggygurl's diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SO i never update this anymore. I update my livejournal way more so if you want to read about Amber's daily life go there (no that anyone would but ya know).

But sometimes when I have free time during classes and don't have all my assignments with me to work on things or when I'm at work on my break and I have no one around/ I need something do to. So I was thinking I can write letters! Everyone likes letters! Or call people and see what they are up too. Phone calls are good too!

But one problem everyone's addresses and numbers (well most) have changed and no one has given me the new ones. So I was wondering if I could have them...if you guys want. But come on who doesn't like getting letters (writing letters is different but getting them is awesome). So if you would like to get letters could you guys email me (peachylilprincess@msn.com) your addresses? That would be awesome. Have a wonderful day!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can I be so happy and so sad at the same time? How does that work? I'm so confused.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't believe school starts monday. Crap I don't want to go back. I told this to my mom and she was like "well you don't technically have to go back, you can just work at walmart the rest of your life." No thanks or atleast if I did I would want to move up and not just be a cashier... But speaking of walmart my schedule is finally fixed...score. Sp I get to be working until 10 on my first day of school but atleast I have tuesday and thursday night off and only 2 classes with an hour inbetween to do homework (if I have any). I will figure this all out and work tons and take 14 credits at school and not die. I will so do it, I promise. The only thing that worries me is working until 10 makes the only way for me to go home is a cab and that will cost about one hour of work. so if I work like 30 hours a week then atleast 3 hours will be deducted for the cab fare. Ugh that will suck but gas prices are high so I would probably be paying the same amount if not more for gas. I also have to pay $60 for a bus pass which is actually a really good deal because I can use it for work and school. I need a car though because taking the bus takes up a lot of time. ugh. ill deal though.

But I can't believe everyone is leaving again. Things are going to be quiet. Not like I'll have time for much hanging out or anything but still I'll miss everyone!! I wish I was leaving too because I can't stand it here anymore. Ugh. I'm sick of this house. I'm sick of my mom. I'm sick of someone and someone's someone. Ugh. I'm sick of the lies. I'm just sick of here. I can't wait until next year...I'm definately out of here for good.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haha I used "princess" as my nick name for this and look where it got me....haha don't you have to actually do something to be good at it?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can it be today forever? I actually am enjoying cleaning my room. I'm also doing ALL my dirty laundry and some clean that some how was mixed it with the dirty, I'm taking a bubble bath and then going to the mall! Which I'm so eating subway and having a frappuchino. yum.

I realized that I would earn more respect at work if I was pregnant or had children. I don't know it just seems that most of the younger cashiers are pregnant or have like 2 kids. Theres atleast one that I know is a full time student, married has children and works full time too...wow. I think I'm one of the youngest and they thought I was a lot younger than I really am. Dude I don't understand why but to a lot of people I look really young. One of my mom's coworkers thought I was 14, this one lady at the casino checking IDs a few months ago said I looked 12, this guy when I was doing the fairs thought I was 15, another one said 17. weird. Maybe I should start acting older and doing older things. No more pigtails...haha but not today. But I'm not the only one at work that looks really young but is actually older. There is this one girl who I thought was my age is actually married with 3 kids and is a lot older than me. I'm so not good at guessing ages. Haha which is kinda of funny because I will check ALL the ids when che cash register promts me to at work even when they are older people. Its makes them laugh but still you never know.

I hope work figures out my schedule otherwise I will have to learn how to be in 2 places at once. Hmm.

I also had a little rant about boys and stuff in my livejournal last night. If you want read it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other day Jessica (a girl I work with) was all giggly and she was telling me about how the "hott vending machine guy" was checking her out which was the reason why she was all giggly. I was kind of jealous because I haven't had that feeling for a guy in a long time and I really miss it. I miss thinking about a certian guy and just wanting to see him. But yay for her! Too bad she is leaving to go back to school for anything to happen between her and him.

I even though I met a guy at work that could maybe give me potential to feel giggly about him but he totally grossed me out yesterday so I don't know.

But speaking of hott guys my current desktop picture is here/ Its the all american rejects and just wow. I like guys that can sing especially when I like the songs.

3. Nicknames: Amboo, Amburger, Amburglar, Ding Dong, Miss McCrakin (haha i think that one was mine), Princess, Boo, Homer Gah

11. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Austraila or Spain or Hawaii

12. Croutons or bacon bits or both? Croutons hurt my teeth and bacon bits kind of taste funny

17. Favorite drink: propel, fruit punch, iced tea, rasberry tea, other flavored water, pepsi and dr pepper

22. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I'm not good enough to take the test but I'll never be

25. What do you do most often when you are bored? computer, watch movies, make random phone calls, bug people with random text messages

30. Last person you went out to dinner with? I went to McDonalds with Stacey, Rachel nd Clayton does that count as going out to eat? If not then with my Mom

33. What is your favorite color? If you don't know the answer to this question you don't know me

35. How many tattoos do you have? my body is covered in tattoos but its all invisible ink

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do I wake up super early on days I don't have to work by choice? ew. Atleast I can get so much done today.
I checked my checking account and I got paid yay! But i'm still broke because the second I get it it all goes poof. I wish someone could buy that ticket... but I don't want to talk about it. I'm still too upset.

I think I'm going to go back to bed until 9...I like sleep. Or maybe not. My throat hurts. I'm not making much sense. I think I feel drunk but I'm not.

Oh oh I finally tried to watch napolean dynomite but I was falling asleep and I don't remember most of it. It was kind of weird and I'm not sure if I liked it but maybe I should try and watch it when I'm not super tired.

Haha I just went to look for my purse and I walked outside my room and tigger popped out of a marshal fields bag laying on the floor. And now I can hear crumbling and meows...so I guess either he is having troubles getting out or he is being a butt and he is attacking the bag. Maybe tigger is crazy too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I was on edge all day. Nothing went right. Well only one thing but it only went right because the bad thing happened in the first place.

At about 7ish like a half an hour before I was suppose to leave. This lady came to my line and was being super slow putting like 2 items on at a time. Then when I put things in her cart she put some things back on the conveyour belt thing. And then she would do these little heave things like she was pulling up her pants but she wasn't. Then all of sudden she did another one of those little heave things but then she started to shake really bad. She went to grab her cart but instead she fell sraight back and hit her head on the ground and was still shaking.

I couldn't speak. I tried grabbing the phone but I didn't know the intercom number. And Amy (who was working on self check outs) ran over and I told her we have to tell the managers that there was an accident but I don't know the number. She did it for me. Then She crouched down to the lady and started talking to her. We found out that she was diabetic, and her blood sugar was really really low. She refused an ambulance but they had to call one anyways. Almost all the managers were crowded around the line and a few other cashiers. Paramedics came and they put tubes in her. She got better fast. Thank goodness. The paramedics had me check the rest of her stuff out because they said she was better and after her blood sugar got better she was talking a lot more and the complete opposite of before the seizure. She offered to buy us candy bars but we couldn't take them. I had to fill out an accident report as a witness. I didn't even know her name.

And after all that I had to go and while I was about to leave tthe cashier in the line ahead of mine said "What a way to end the day, huh." He sure said it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mom: Amber I want you to have a baby I just don't want you to have sex.
Me: Mom do I need to explain the birds and the bees to you.
Mom: Why does there have to be a guy involved?
Me: Um because woman + man = baby duh...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess I will do this in here...
First off Veronica I NEVER knew that you liked him when we started dating you never once told me ever. You should of said something before hand but you didn't and that would of most likely stopped me because of I was worried about if Rachel would of been mad and me if I dated him so I would of been worried if you did too. But like that would of stopped you from dating him if it was the other way around because it wouldn't of and I can think of many examples to prove it. Also I didn't know you liked him when you first met him...it's really hard to keep track of the guys you liked. I knew you liked Matt at that time but I didn't know you liked him. Another thing is that half the things you probably read in my diary had nothing to do with either you or him. It might seem like it but there were a lot of things that happened between july 2003 to december 2004 that had nothing to do with it. And another thing where did you get that I was planning on breaking up with him first?

So maybe I am just a selfish little baby that needs to grow up Veronica but I guess I have always been. I know you don't care what I think about you and I don't care what you think about me. So call me all the names you want to and I won't care. But I will leave all the names I want to call you to myself because you won't care either way.

But on to other news...I like money. I like getting $182 for 3 and a half days. yay! just wait until 2 weeks from now that is gonna so rock! score.

There are a few things on my mind that I need to get out but the people I need to talk to about them aren't available to talk right now and its eating me up inside.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But I guess its not to late to cry about it again. I was over it way over it but thanks for bringing it up again. It was the past it should be long over. It is like a horrible picture that you hate so much but you can't rip it up or get rid of it so you always have it to remind you of the bad things. I want it to go away. I hate the past.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't like getting yelled at especially from my family or friends let alone random strangers but I guess thats what is to expect when you work with customers. I've gotten yelled at way to much today...random mean lady being mad because she thought her card was debit and it wasn't, my mom threatening to make me move out because i didn't do the dishes right when I got home, and a friend because well um because.

I do want to say one thing...everything is not always someone else's fault. Don't think something that happened to you is someone else's fault just because they have something you don't have or they did something you didn't. Don't blame things on other people unless they actually caused your problems but not if they are just there trying to help YOU. Friends are there for you to vent to but when you start blaming your problems on them no that is not right. no one should go through that.

So in conclusion to that rant...I will listen to your problems and I am happy too because you are my friend and you are great but when you start blaming them on me just because I am there is another story. I understand if I caused them but I didn't.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know
I guess the only place where my dreams will come true is in my dreams...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I really need to stop holding things in because when I do it all blows up in my face.

I cried for about a half an hour straight and screaming. Screaming so much I kind of have no voice right now. It started with watching something about loving fathers and I started to cry because I really have no father. It lead to the fact that the only biological family I have is my mom. I talk to no one on my dad's side anymore and my mom's sister and my cousins only talk about how "I failed" so I don't really want to be around people who bring up how much I suck. This then lead to thinking about how I probably will never have any family reunions ever well maybe if I marry a guy with a big family but thats only if i do. Then that lead to thinking if I get married I will have almost no one on my side. and that lead me to think should my dad walk me down the aisle? would that be wrong if I had someone else that was more of a father to me do it? yea i had all these kinda random thoughts in my head...then I started to think about what if I never get married...I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, I want kids, I want a family...but I'm a little scared of ever getting married and having kids because I don't want to get divorved and put my kids through that ever...then i started to think about how everyone has someone and I don't....well almost everyone...

then my thoughts kind of jumble right there
why did thinking about my father lead to all this? I didn't want to cry today again I already had a bad morning. Why does he always bring me down?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hate being a girl. Why won't the medicine kick in? It hurts so bad. I want to rip out my insides and throw them out a window. Sometimes to make the pain go away I used to put my laptop on my stomach but a friend told me that could cause sterilization and I'm not going through all this pain for nothing...I will have children someday. EVen though Im not sure if its true but I rather be safe then sorry.

SOrry I'm so cranky but this usually makes me cranky. I hate be bloated and the extra breaking out and some other stuff and of course the CRAMPS.

Sorry about that but I had to have a little rant about being a girl. Ugh and I hate this because none of my clothes fit right now...

To top it all off lately I have been having troubles keeping food down but its been better I didn't do it last night and none today even though I did feel queasy. Ugh and right now I feel like I'm going to throw up but I dunno if its from the cramps or what. Ugh I hate my stomach right now. Oh oh and I couldn't feel the outside of it earlier either...that usually happens during this time of the month. I think that area may be over compesationg...the inside hurts horribly so the outside won't feel a thing. Haha its weird.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry for crying at inappropriate times. I don't mean to but I'm not good at holding things in. Whenever someone mentions even the tinyist thing of something that is bothering me I end up crying. I wish I could hold it in. I really don't like crying in public and I feel like an idiot.
I wish I could just smile and pretend it is all ok.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I finally changed my diary. I hope looks okay...it took me forever to get it just perfect. Me and my perfectionism haha. I did change it to a web blog style (how livejournal is) so the entries will start being on one page. Also I added a few more links to people's diaries and journals because more and more people have them or more than one, yay!

I put the lyrics from the song I used on my header is in the entry below, and I was trying to figure out this web blog thing. So yay.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Best of Me - The Starting Line

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

here we lay again
on two separate beds
riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
and pictures drawn from memory
we reflect on miscommunications
and misunderstandings
and missing each other too much
to have had to let go

we turn our music down
and we whisper
say what your thinking right now
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

jumping to conclusions
made me fall away from you
i'm so glad that the truth
has brought back together me and you

we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
say what your thinking outloud

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

we turn our music down
and we whisper
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
we turn our music down
we're sitting on the ground
and next time i'm in town
we will kiss girl
we will kiss girl

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont
feeling that we cant
we're not ready to give up

we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I realized that I rather be so bored than sad. Last night I was crying my eyes out but today I was just sooooo bored and I was ok with that. I don't think I could do that everyday because I would go crazy but I would probably go more crazy if I was always sad. But yea I musch rather be bored than sad but I rather be happy than bored.

Earlier Stacey said she might be moving down here in like a week or two! And she is going to be living sooo close to me. yay! So when just about everyone else leaves me in august there will be one more person here. yay!

I want to expand my vocabulary. I say the same things over and over and I want to say different things. I need some big words in my vocabulary and not just all these small ones I have.

I heart music. There is no point to putting this song up, its just kind of weird but I like it.

Light that smoke, that one for giving up on me
And one just cause they’ll kill you sooner than my expectations
To my favorite liar, to my favorite scar (to my favorite scar):
“I could have died with you”
I hope you choke on those words, that kiss, that bottle- I confess
Now ask yourself, yeah, out on the insides, I said I loved you but I lied

Let’s play this game called “when you catch fire”
I wouldn’t piss to put you out
Stop burning bridges and drive off of them
So I can forget about you

So bury me in memory
His smile’s your rope
So wrap it tight around your throat

On the drive home
Joke about the kid you used to see
And his jealousy
Breaking hearts has never looked so cool
As when you wrap your car around a tree
Your makeup looks so great next to his teeth

Let’s play this game called “when you catch fire”
I wouldn’t piss to put you out
Stop burning bridges and drive off of them
So I can forget about you

So bury me in memory
His smile’s your rope
So wrap it tight around your throat

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------